I spent an inordinate amount of time last night wondering what the Republican candidates would be like in bed. Surprisingly, I was actually into a few of them. Rand Paul, Rick Perry, and Ben Carson could get it, no doubt. And even Chris Christie might be a good time. Below are my impressions of what sex would be like with each of them. If you are easily offended STOP READING NOW.
Rand Paul would be a strong and capable lover, and there would be room service in the morning and a nice kiss goodbye with the promise of seeing him again. Sigh.
Jeb Bush would apologize the entire time and not make eye contact afterwards.
Marco Rubio would shiver and need to be held before, during, and after.
Donald Trump would jerk off in your face then tell you to get the fuck out.
Chris Christie would be into cake farts and other weird food fetishes. No judgements, though. I’m kind of into it.
Mike Huckabee would talk dirty the entire time – like really, really dirty – then cry and flagellate himself with a palm frond afterwards.
Rick Perry would definitely be into some heavy PnP with porn on the jumbo screen, and hookers on the couch watching you.
Bobby Jindal would last two minutes in the missionary position before he rushed out the door.
Carly Fiorino would be a demanding lover who favors loud, sweaty, marathon sessions.
Lindsay Graham would be into some heavy B&D, and I imagine he would be dressed as an adult baby in diapers and a frilly baby bonnet.
Rick Santorum would – everybody say it with me – spray a frothy mix of fecal matter and lube all over you.
Ben Carson would probably be really good time. He seems like a laid-back lover.
Scott Walker – two words: Dad Sex. And that’s not neccessarily a bad thing.
Tell me your thoughts on having sex with the Republican nominees in the Facebook comments.
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